This is my 22nd blog post. I didn’t think I would make to this many posts after only starting this blog two months ago. Before I began I was burdened by a sense of urgency to begin writing my thoughts and experiences along with a deep anxiety that I would be putting myself at risk for being raw and sharing the realness of my mental health journey. After the nagging impulse to write didn’t go away, I decided that putting words on a page would be my only medicine. And it was!
I started this blog because I needed to start writing love letters to myself. My last life-altering episode shattered my confidence in my ability to express myself without fear of retribution for talking about taboos. Although I have picked up some readers and WordPress blogger followers along the way, this blog has primarily served as a space for me to speak into the void. Not having a real audience or following has allowed me to write for myself. It’s helped me be a witness to both my pain and my growth. The more I write the more uncharted territory I find to explore. I love that I have found an outlet outside of academic papers to develop a voice that feels authentic to me.
After my psychiatric crisis in 2019, I deleted all of my social media profiles — Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, my Youtube channel. Mania had me uncontrollable writing and creating content on all platforms and I was horrified to see how much I had put out there in an altered state. Now that I have come back to myself and have integrated a lot of what happened in 2019, I am ready to re-engage with the digital world. However, I am finding that I have outgrown all of these social media platforms. Facebook is one hot dumpster fire of a mess that I won’t be returning to and Instagram feels so limiting. Although it was my own little curatorial space where I shared a lot of my photography, art, and poetry, I no longer see how I can fit my self-expression into tiny boxes. That’s why investing more time into my WordPress site and this blog has been transformative for me. It’s given me more room to grow into the fullness of what I want to share with the world.
Thankfully, I’m not scared anymore. I struggled with whether I should create a separate website for my blog that is not connected to my academic profile. However, I decided that I’m tired of dividing myself into fragments. The personal is political. My lived experience informs my research. My art is an expression of my research and lived experience. It’s all connected. And whoever wants to work with me needs to accept who I am in my entirety. I hope the more I write, the more like-minded people I will find. I’m just happy to have found a place on the internet that feels like home.
Sadly, I don’t know how regularly I will be posting because the school semester has started and I have a boatload coursework and research to do. I am hoping to carve out some time to write and reflect during the semester. If I go quiet, know I’ll be back in December after finals and will probably post more during the winter break. So here’s to Virgo season! My favorite one (I’m also a Virgo rising). I’m going to where the wind blows and see where the fall leaves take me!
Thank you for supporting my blog with your views and engagement. Wishing you the best for the rest of this year!
Image Description: “BLOG” printed on torn pieces of paper in the center of the image framed pink rose and smaller pieces of paper with the same word repeated.